“Don’t be sure I’m as crooked as I’m supposed to be.”
-Humphrey Bogart as private eye Sam Spade
I used to think most private investigators (AKA PIs, private dicks, private heat, but for this article we’ll stick with the term PI) were like Humphrey Bogart when he played PIs such as Sam Spade or Philip Marlowe: rumpled clothes, edgy attitude, heavy smoker/drinker, stud extraordinaire, a guy quick to draw a gun or cock a fist. If they didn’t fit that model, they were probably like Jim Rockford (from the ‘70’s TV show “The Rockford Files”): glib-talking, fast-driving, lousy at collecting payments for completed jobs, hating to use a gun unless absolutely necessary (if you’ll recall, Rockford kept his gun in a cookie jar). Then there were the fictional female PIs like Honey West (drop-dead gorgeous who wore techie devices like a garter belt gas mask) and Emma Peel (drop-dead-gorgeous who had expertise in fencing, sewing, and thermodynamics).
Until I became a real-life PI, I knew which fictional traits were ludicrous (garter belt gas mask? Hello?), but had no idea if some of the other portrayals I read about or saw on TV or in the movies rang true or not. Because the PI genre is hot as ever, with writers continually creating new, innovate PI characters and stories, I thought it’d be helpful to highlight a few of the general misconceptions portrayed about PIs on the page or on the screen.
Toward this means, I conducted a survey of real-life PIs whom I asked what misrepresentations they’d like to correct about PIs in the media. I also added a few perceptions of my own. Below are our answers (note: I sometimes use “he” and sometimes “she” when referring to a PI’s gender rather than the more cumbersome he/she):
Staying Legal: At least 80% of the PIs I surveyed brought this up as their number one pet peeve. Fictional PIs are often shown doing illegal things when, in actuality, real-life PIs abide by the laws. Because if they don’t, they could lose their business and license--a risk no PI wants to take.
While on this topic, I personally have yet to meet a PI who doesn’t know his legal rights. If he doesn’t know, he knows how to look up the statute or he has a lawyer buddy/client he’ll call for advice. No PI worth her proverbial salt goes into a legally-murky situation without knowing exactly what actions are lawful. Slip-ups and missteps muddy a PI’s reputation, which is perhaps her most critical asset because it reflects both her ethics and skill.
Being Prepared: Colombo (the detective from the ‘70s’ TV series with the same name) always came back again (and again and again) to the witness, before he finally asked the zinger question. He never seemed to have a plan how to obtain information in one fell swoop.
A real-life PI typically has one shot, and one shot only, at interviewing a witness. There’s no bumbling around—he has to get to the point. That means being prepared. When a PI first makes contact with a witness, the PI needs to know the purpose of his questioning as well as the questions themselves. Sometimes legal investigators (PIs who work for attorneys) will come armed with police reports or past statements by the witness. For example, sometimes a prior witness statement reveals to the investigator, in the course of the interview, that the witness’s statement has inconsistencies—such conflicts in a person’s story indicate the witness is unreliable.
Surveillance fantasies: PIs scoff at the notion that a solitary PI can effortlessly pull off a successful mobile surveillance (meaning, following someone in a vehicle) for hours and hours. Mobile surveillances typically require at least two PIs in two vehicles, and even then the success rate (per one PI’s statistics) is 50%. And yet time and again one will read about (or see in a movie) a PI who magically follows someone who’s weaving in and out of traffic, turning, speeding, zipping through intersections for an entire day! Try following one of your friends in traffic (especially when you do not know their destination) and see how easy it is to lose their car.
Business savvy: Too many PI stories ignore that a PI runs a business that entails negotiating and writing contracts, managing money (and sometimes subordinate PIs), buying/upgrading office equipment, writing reports, etc. First and foremost, a PI has a business relationship with her client that includes all the legal ramifications that come with any customer situation.
Violence: Real PIs don’t hit people first, even if they are mad. In fact, they don’t engage in violence anymore than they engage in burglary or theft. The debate is ongoing within the PI community as to whether to carry guns or other self defense weapons.
Goin’ It Alone: Real-life PIs frequently work alone, without Sam Spade’s ubiquitous gal Friday or Jim Rockford’s wise, ex-trucker father. In fact, many PIs work out of their homes, with their website functioning as their virtual office.
Make It a Whiskey, Neat: Real-life PIs don’t all drink like Phillip Marlowe or Sam Spade, and if they were to be slipped a micky, or hit with a sap, they’d be ashamed of their lack of planning. Most real-life PIs wouldn’t chance dulling their senses as this could be used to denigrate them should they have to testify in court about their observations.
This is a good place to also note things a real-life PI would never do. If a writer chooses to have her fictional PI do any of these acts, she’s setting up the PI character to be in some deep you-know-what:
A PI who wants to keep his job/license/career/reputation would never:
Hope these facts enhance your understanding of the PI’s world, whether you’re shaping a PI character or curled up enjoying a PI story. Facts are, after all, what every fictional or real-life PI is after.
Colleen Collins is a PI by day and a multi-published author by night. To check out her upcoming books, go to www.colleencollins.net. To check out the next “Writing PIs in Novels” online course she and her PI business partner will be teaching, go to www.writingprivateinvestigators.com.